She works hard for the money

.... so hard for it honey....

boy have I been working hard the past couple of months. Having never worked this hard or this many hours I suddenly realised that I have had it pretty good for most of my working life. the reason I am putting in the hours is more to do with a promise I made to do my best and give my all but imagine if I had to throw in fear losing my job .... it's enough to push someone over the edge. With now only a week left at my current employment and an extra day before I leave for Japan there is a mix of both excitement and fear and I am sure I would be riding the emotional wave if not for being at work for 12 out of the 15 hours I am awake each day but it's crazy... is this how it would be living and working in the UK??? I doubt it very much no normal person could do what I am doing at the moment and still lead a normal life. It's made me think - actually no scrap that - i don't even have to think about it anymore..... I can give my every waking hour to a job but it's got to be something worth giving your life too, something to inspire. Don't get me wrong I am not hating this current job - I'm actually enjoying some aspects of it..... if only I didn't have to rely on others to meet my targets and deadlines .... humph but I am learning and even though the temper flares every now and then I am master of the anger within. I'm discovering skills I forgot I had, I'm a great planner and organiser and at times a good motivator and mentor. I'm creative and tackle issues with enthusiasm ..... shit man I'm on fire

Berry fresh

Today I went nut and berry picking. The squirrels in Surrey must have been very busy as there was not a nut in sight but blackberries were a plenty, thorn splints and itchy scratches and berry belly to provide it. As I sit on the toilet reading the latest addition of Gardening World feeding my dreams of my very own riverside cottage I wonder will I ever meet my Hugh.... well someone has to reach the higher branches.

It'll all end in tears..

as my time in the UK comes to an end I come to reflect on my experiences this time around. Each trip 'home' has been different and this time no exception. Arriving in rather a fragile state although pre warned I am not sure my family and friends were really sure of what to make of the emotional, hurt and unsettled person that came back. But I have been blessed with wonderful friends and family who have welcomed me, supported and loved me. Looking back now I feel so much stronger and have reclaimed back a part of me I had forgotten for a while. But I can't help but chuckle of the ever repeating cycles of my life, the cat and mouse chase for male attention, getting stuck in a job where I resent being over worked and under paid, acting the lost and helpless girl, giving away my self to a beautiful yet selfish boy.....

I spent some amazing time and developed a good relationship with my cutesy niece, become better friends with my sister, got to enjoy my mum and dad and playing daughter, and catch up with my bestest besties.

As I prepare to pack my most sparkly outfits and wigs for Japan and the spectacular Hoop Empire DVD launch with dreams of hoops and mowhawks and glitter I can't help but get a tear in my eye, so sad to be leaving, but also so excited for the next adventure ahead, so frustrated with my deep in-ground fears and securities and so liberated by how far I have come. I came in tears and I will no doubt leave in them as well.....

Dreaming into the future

The dreams are back. They come and go but I think they are back. Vivid like dream which are so real and close to my real life that I am never sure if I dreamt them or they actually happened. Some of the time I only realise they were a dream when something happens or someone tells me something for the first time - but yet I know....

Last night a lovely lady subtly explained that eating fish is not good. All she did was right at the end of the dream she asked is anyone vegetarian whilst holding a board with anti-fishing quotes. She didn't say anything about it and I only saw the board for about 3 seconds but it's the only thing I remember clearly. The thing is it was the next step in my becoming vegetarian plan. I was allowing seafood as I had not research the alternatives and also not being so familiar with the shops here in the UK I wanted to make sure I was still getting a balanced meal. But I have not started the research and even though I have not eaten meat since I have been back I have not taken the next step. Anyway I know this is a message - noted universe and I am on it ....

i NEVER want a boyfriend

I don't get them...... boys that is.

I don't think I have met many who are not driven by their penis or completely emotionally inept. Yes there are exceptions - not many - but I think I am starting to lose respect, faith and understanding for men.

The reason I bring this up is because well I don't want this to happen and I know this is my issue which is attracting the bad/confused/negative and building my walls. I'm creating bad boy vibes in my life - very bad ones which are unbalancing others relationships.

You did what ??? Why would you do that??

How many times have you said 'But why would they do that?', "What were they thinking?', 'Why would anyone say that?' and how many times have you applied the same questions to your own actions. Much of the time it's dismissed 'They were drunk', "I was tired".... but no negative action comes without some kind of history which lead to the 'INCIDENT'.

The reason I brought this up is because this Friday we had our works dinner. For some unexplained reason I felt the need make a beeline to the CEO and tell him 1) I am a great manipulator, 2) Sex does sell 3) Buying smart clothes for women is really hard if you have small shoulders and big boobs..... and although I said nothing too vulgar nor swear - I'm sure I said some other awful things whilst his wife practically stood there with her mouth open in shock and some tubby guy almost stood on top of me.

So I ask myself that question - why would I do that??? I have never met him before, he has no idea that I mad but completely harmless yet I make sure that his first impression of me is of such a self centred, opinionated twat he would ask the question 'Why would I want this liability in my company?'. As my hangover well and truly sets in as I drive down the M25 rain pounding on my windscreen I scream 'It's too hard to think about right now' and I tell myself to concentrate on the road, but as I curl up in the back of my car in a random car park on the way to my cousins for a cheeky nana nap under my hoops with a picnic blanket as a pillow - I realise it was sabotage ....... so desperate am I to break free from Data Management I am now going straight to the top. It would seem how ever mad I am, how ever rude I am, however much I tell the world and thier mates I hate everything about my chosen career I end up in the same place, there is always a DM job to fall in. I come back to the UK and I have a job waiting for me take, I make ridiculous demands and a month in they are offering a permanent position. I have just left Australia screaming 'NEVER AGAIN' but here I am. So enough is enough I need to take action. Don't get me wrong - I am very lucky, this I know. But DM is not the job for me and I have been trying to take a different path for quite sometime but all I do is walk along the verge and occasionally stop in at a few of the attractions along the way. Have I been foolish ? Have I shot myself in the foot? or ... Have I taken another step to setting myself free .....I guess time will tell ....

Love

You look up and there they are. It's like an electric charge runs through your body. You don't know them but you can;t stop thinking about them. You wonder who they are. What do they do. What are they like. Where have they been. Where do they want to go. Why they have had this instant hold on you. You're captivated. They inspire you. They challenge you. You only see the good in everything. They touch you and you feel alive. Their touch sends shivers of joy up your spine. Your mouth aches from excessive smiling. You laugh. You cry with laughter and joy. Nothing else matters as you melt in their arms.

I've felt it. You can't fake it. I deserve it. I lost it. I'll wait for it again.

So please don't pressure me, or pity me. Please don't compare me or judge me. I know what it feels like when my soul is touched. So please respect me and try to understand me. Support me and encourage me. Allow me to be me. Help me to love me.

PYO Happiness

It seems pretty obvious but sometimes we forget we are responsible for our own happiness and that we deserve to be happy and live our lives as we wish even if it means letting others down or going against their beliefs or expectations of life.

It's been a long time coming but finally I am starting to take responsibility for my happiness. Yes I gave up my well paying job which provided financial security, money to pay for my rent in my penthouse apartment with harbour views and had been my home since moving to Sydney more than 5 years ago, money to travel to any destination whether it be the local pub or the other side of the world. I gave up most of my material items thinking I would feel a sense of freedom but nah I still felt weighed down until the day I went PYO. That day not only did I pick my own apples I started picking my own happiness.

We haven't long left Wellington on our drive to Wanganui - Kristie wants to look for boots. We have picked up Rob. I'm in the back which means I don't have to talk - Yay I can just stare out the window and admire the beautiful scenery and we fly on by. I smile as I am reminded how at home I feel in New Zealand and how beautiful it truly is. The sun shines through the window and I thank the universe for the good weather that is apparently such a rarity in this part of the country.

We pull up at the PYO place and check out the board. Looks like we have missed the eggplants and capsicums but tomatoes are still available and apples are plentiful. We grab our buckets and off we set. Good job we have Rob - us shorties are never going to reach those apples or are we.... Those shiney red apples are calling me. At first I slip but second attempt and I have my bucket wedged between two branches and I am half way up the tree. My jeans are multi coloured as I brush past the lichens. It smells sweet and I want to stay but my bucket is full and we have no need for more than the 3 buckets we have collectively collected.

That's a lot of apples..... so what are we going to do with them all. For two days we peel, de core, cook and eat apples. Apple pie, apple mush, apple crumple, apple chutney, dehydrated apples in between weeding and feeding the garden. We plan our meals around what will go well with the delish wonderment that is apple chutney. We jar it up and give to friends - oh no we are out we'll have to make some more........


I'm sitting in Cafe Sydney. I am blessed. I have my beautiful friends around me, the view is amazing. I sip of my champagne and know that although I head back to the UK tomorrow that I will treasure this moment forever. I'm brought back to reality Brian and Bunny are arguing about which desert we should get. Of course the taster plate is the way to go. mmmmmm

Sheeeezzz Back ......

OK OK so I admit my energy has been a little low recently. The realisation that I don't really know who I am, what I want and where I wanna go/be in conjunction with giving what little power I did have to a relationship that turned out no to be 'The One' left me low and yes I admit I did wallow down there for a while although all my friends were constantly throwing down rope ladders. I'd kinda swing about of them but just couldn't be arsed to climb all the way up.

This week after hiding away in a dark corner down in Starland Bunny pointed out it was probably time that I sort of bucked up my ideas. She was right - as always ;) I had been wallowing but as I tried to defend myself by saying I was a 3 score on a feedback form neither positive or negetive just average I couldn't help thinking actually the girl has a valid point. After managing to successfully work my way up from the lower energy levels of the emotional scale of Grief, Fear and Disappointment through Blame, Judgement, Anger, Jealousy and Disappointment I was now quite happy hanging out in the comfort of my new pals Boredom, Pessimism, Frustration, Irritation and Impatience with occasional drop ins from Acceptance, Hopefulness and Forgiveness. Was I ready to leave my now comfy friends and hit the town with Joy, Passion, Ethusiasm and Playfulness????


I landed back in Sydney took part in one of my favourite pastimes - play the tourist. How easily we forget to appreciate this beautiful city as we rush from one place to another catching up with others who are doing exactly the same. I brought a day tripper ticket and made a promise to myself that I would use enough public transport to make it worth the money. Bus trips, Ferry rides, the Opera House, dodgy canteen style Italian Food, Beautiful coastal views, Stunning Botanical gardens, Stinky Seaweed Beaches, Train rides and of course an ice cream. Jon and I were exhausted as we waited the 45 mins for the final bus to Cammeray resisting the urge to catch a cab as this final trip to make my ticket worth the money. I laughed, danced and sang myself around the city like the happy looney I truely am.

Today much the same only today it was Chatswood and much dancing mainly in Jons car ....... guess what I am trying to say is yep I guess I am ready and look forward to many more play dates with Joy and Playfulness and hopefully their close friends Enpowerment, Freedom and Gratitude.

Preparing for Home

.... the count down has begun with only 14 days until my return to the Sunny UK. It's been an interesting couple of weeks what with finishing up at work, moving out of my palace in the sky which has been my home for nearly 6 years, down sizing my possession to less than 20% and now moving my life about in my car between a friends storage and the next couch/spare room.

How do I feel about this massive upheaval ??? Being someone quite resistant to change I think I am in a bit of a daze. I have been so busy sorting things out I don't think I have really had time to think about how I feel about it. But then saying that I have done it before and that didn't really hit me till the day before I left. All I know is it felt right then and it feels right now. My life had come to a point when my expectations, hopes and dreams were not being fulfilled back then when I left the UK on a jet plane back in June 2003. I was heading to Australia and I was not coming back. Of course having never been there before I didn't know for certain that this was going to be the start of the rest of my life, open my eyes to a whole new world, a whole new lifestyle, expose me to amazing inspiring people but I felt it in my heart.

This time it is a little different - I will be coming back. Back to Australia that is. There was a time when I wasn't sure - lets say Sydney and I were going through a troubled time in our relationship but we have come back out the other side with love and respect for each other and I can only speak for myself when I say has only made me stronger. Of course I could never have done it with out the love and support of my friends both here in Australia and back home in the UK. Oh did you see what I just wrote 'home in the UK'. I do still think of the UK as home but I don't think I want to live there and this causes a serious conflict within myself. I know that my family would love to have me back and I wonder am I selfish for not wanted to be there with them ??? Is it wrong to want to live my life out in the big wide world and return home only for rest and play? I know that when I return I will need to explain numerous times to those who I love why I am not quite ready to stay and I also know that very few will fully understand but I have just started a journey, a journey it has taken me nearly 6 years to take and it's one way ticket and I can't go back. At the risk of sounding all new age - I finding out who I really am or more who I am not.

The past couple of months - well 6 I suppose it's been really enlightening and fascinating exploring my relationships with those I love. Many have offered their opinions on how I should feel and where I went wrong and what I should be doing and what I shouldn't be doing. Others have listened as I verbally process offering only their love and support. Some have made me face some home truths..... and I am grateful to everyone of them as it has helped me grow and more importantly find myself again after having lost myself so over the last 2 years.

It's essential that I go home right now. I have created this window in my life to devote totally to 'home' and realise that it is only now that I am potentially strong enough to do so. What I ask myself is how will I cope with the expectations of others? how will I cope with seeing others disappointment in me? will I remain true to myself or will I slip back to my old ways playing along planning my next escape? What I do know is that this is going to be a beautiful and exciting experience whatever the outcome which will only enrich my life even further. I will get to spend time with my beautiful family, amazing friends and fingers crossed discover more about myself - who I am, where I am and what I can be.