I don't know why.
I've got it so bad.
But somehow I got.
Out of a fry'n pan.
...What I want to know is ...
Are you, are you the one
As the song goes through my head I ask myself what is all the hang up with looking for the one. For most of my adult life and probably whilst growing up I have been looking for 'the one', and with every twist and turn of my pretty un-fulfilling love life building the expectation into an unachievable/unrealistic fantasy.
The night I told Bob I thought he was the the one was the end of our relationship - yes we dragged it out for another month maybe two but it was never the same. As the relationship deteriorated before my eyes, my heart crumbled into a million pieces and I eventually accepted that he was in love with someone else I swore I would never fall in love again. What a load of bollocks - there is no such thing as 'the one'.
But as it happens he was the one. The one who crushed my fantasy, who tipped me over the edge and left me to free fall in to a world where I am learning to love and respect myself, to let go of my hang ups, face and deal with my issues. During the past year and bit there have been other ones - ones that have loved me unconditionally and supported me, ones who have picked me up from the gutters of Thailand, ones who have held my hand down the road of self and sexual discovery and ones who have made me smile inside and out.
So I haven't given up - I'm still looking for the one. Everyday some 'one' who can show me and share with me love , joy , passion, laughter and themselves which I in return can share with another some 'one'.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Breaking the connection
Have you ever walked into a room and straight away said to yourself 'that person is meant to be in my life'?
Sometimes they find you but in that instant you're hooked, must know everything they are, have been and can be in the future. That connection so quickly made yet so hard to break.
It's happened to me quite a few times, more than I probably care to admit, yet looking back you can remember the exact point your spirits touched and the connection was made.
Now I could tell tales about falling, stories of love, lust, happiness and heartbreak, talk at length about frustration, disappointment and unconditional love but that's not the point..... there comes a time when the connection just has to be broken and those involved cut free of the bindings holding you and/or them down. But how is it done? And how do you know when it's time ?
Sometimes they find you but in that instant you're hooked, must know everything they are, have been and can be in the future. That connection so quickly made yet so hard to break.
It's happened to me quite a few times, more than I probably care to admit, yet looking back you can remember the exact point your spirits touched and the connection was made.
Now I could tell tales about falling, stories of love, lust, happiness and heartbreak, talk at length about frustration, disappointment and unconditional love but that's not the point..... there comes a time when the connection just has to be broken and those involved cut free of the bindings holding you and/or them down. But how is it done? And how do you know when it's time ?
Letting go
It's written in the stars - Ghaz writes 'For you dear Pisces August is all about letting go'. But this I already know. July threw up a few little lessons and this time I listened.
The major realisation (and you guys probably already knew it) is it's not the bad shit that holds you back and prevents you from moving forward and reaching your full potential (in fact I'd go as far as saying that the bad stuff only moves you on faster) but - IT'S THE GOOD STUFF!!!
There are a couple of ways to look at it, but it's mainly driven by fear - a whole heap of FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out).
Whether it was a relationship, a well paid job or an amazing night life; things have changed and you are no longer in the same place. Those 'good' situations came to an end for a reason but we only remember the best parts. I guess it's like child birth - you try telling the mother that it was hideous experience of your life so far. But if you stop and have a real good think about how it really was at that time of your life ... you'll see the cracks. So move on, move up, take the good parts and inject them into your new exciting adventure - the rest of your life.
The major realisation (and you guys probably already knew it) is it's not the bad shit that holds you back and prevents you from moving forward and reaching your full potential (in fact I'd go as far as saying that the bad stuff only moves you on faster) but - IT'S THE GOOD STUFF!!!
There are a couple of ways to look at it, but it's mainly driven by fear - a whole heap of FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out).
Whether it was a relationship, a well paid job or an amazing night life; things have changed and you are no longer in the same place. Those 'good' situations came to an end for a reason but we only remember the best parts. I guess it's like child birth - you try telling the mother that it was hideous experience of your life so far. But if you stop and have a real good think about how it really was at that time of your life ... you'll see the cracks. So move on, move up, take the good parts and inject them into your new exciting adventure - the rest of your life.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
She works hard for the money
.... so hard for it honey....
boy have I been working hard the past couple of months. Having never worked this hard or this many hours I suddenly realised that I have had it pretty good for most of my working life. the reason I am putting in the hours is more to do with a promise I made to do my best and give my all but imagine if I had to throw in fear losing my job .... it's enough to push someone over the edge. With now only a week left at my current employment and an extra day before I leave for Japan there is a mix of both excitement and fear and I am sure I would be riding the emotional wave if not for being at work for 12 out of the 15 hours I am awake each day but it's crazy... is this how it would be living and working in the UK??? I doubt it very much no normal person could do what I am doing at the moment and still lead a normal life. It's made me think - actually no scrap that - i don't even have to think about it anymore..... I can give my every waking hour to a job but it's got to be something worth giving your life too, something to inspire. Don't get me wrong I am not hating this current job - I'm actually enjoying some aspects of it..... if only I didn't have to rely on others to meet my targets and deadlines .... humph but I am learning and even though the temper flares every now and then I am master of the anger within. I'm discovering skills I forgot I had, I'm a great planner and organiser and at times a good motivator and mentor. I'm creative and tackle issues with enthusiasm ..... shit man I'm on fire
boy have I been working hard the past couple of months. Having never worked this hard or this many hours I suddenly realised that I have had it pretty good for most of my working life. the reason I am putting in the hours is more to do with a promise I made to do my best and give my all but imagine if I had to throw in fear losing my job .... it's enough to push someone over the edge. With now only a week left at my current employment and an extra day before I leave for Japan there is a mix of both excitement and fear and I am sure I would be riding the emotional wave if not for being at work for 12 out of the 15 hours I am awake each day but it's crazy... is this how it would be living and working in the UK??? I doubt it very much no normal person could do what I am doing at the moment and still lead a normal life. It's made me think - actually no scrap that - i don't even have to think about it anymore..... I can give my every waking hour to a job but it's got to be something worth giving your life too, something to inspire. Don't get me wrong I am not hating this current job - I'm actually enjoying some aspects of it..... if only I didn't have to rely on others to meet my targets and deadlines .... humph but I am learning and even though the temper flares every now and then I am master of the anger within. I'm discovering skills I forgot I had, I'm a great planner and organiser and at times a good motivator and mentor. I'm creative and tackle issues with enthusiasm ..... shit man I'm on fire
Monday, September 21, 2009
Berry fresh
Today I went nut and berry picking. The squirrels in Surrey must have been very busy as there was not a nut in sight but blackberries were a plenty, thorn splints and itchy scratches and berry belly to provide it. As I sit on the toilet reading the latest addition of Gardening World feeding my dreams of my very own riverside cottage I wonder will I ever meet my Hugh.... well someone has to reach the higher branches.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
It'll all end in tears..
as my time in the UK comes to an end I come to reflect on my experiences this time around. Each trip 'home' has been different and this time no exception. Arriving in rather a fragile state although pre warned I am not sure my family and friends were really sure of what to make of the emotional, hurt and unsettled person that came back. But I have been blessed with wonderful friends and family who have welcomed me, supported and loved me. Looking back now I feel so much stronger and have reclaimed back a part of me I had forgotten for a while. But I can't help but chuckle of the ever repeating cycles of my life, the cat and mouse chase for male attention, getting stuck in a job where I resent being over worked and under paid, acting the lost and helpless girl, giving away my self to a beautiful yet selfish boy.....
I spent some amazing time and developed a good relationship with my cutesy niece, become better friends with my sister, got to enjoy my mum and dad and playing daughter, and catch up with my bestest besties.
As I prepare to pack my most sparkly outfits and wigs for Japan and the spectacular Hoop Empire DVD launch with dreams of hoops and mowhawks and glitter I can't help but get a tear in my eye, so sad to be leaving, but also so excited for the next adventure ahead, so frustrated with my deep in-ground fears and securities and so liberated by how far I have come. I came in tears and I will no doubt leave in them as well.....
I spent some amazing time and developed a good relationship with my cutesy niece, become better friends with my sister, got to enjoy my mum and dad and playing daughter, and catch up with my bestest besties.
As I prepare to pack my most sparkly outfits and wigs for Japan and the spectacular Hoop Empire DVD launch with dreams of hoops and mowhawks and glitter I can't help but get a tear in my eye, so sad to be leaving, but also so excited for the next adventure ahead, so frustrated with my deep in-ground fears and securities and so liberated by how far I have come. I came in tears and I will no doubt leave in them as well.....
Monday, July 13, 2009
Dreaming into the future
The dreams are back. They come and go but I think they are back. Vivid like dream which are so real and close to my real life that I am never sure if I dreamt them or they actually happened. Some of the time I only realise they were a dream when something happens or someone tells me something for the first time - but yet I know....
Last night a lovely lady subtly explained that eating fish is not good. All she did was right at the end of the dream she asked is anyone vegetarian whilst holding a board with anti-fishing quotes. She didn't say anything about it and I only saw the board for about 3 seconds but it's the only thing I remember clearly. The thing is it was the next step in my becoming vegetarian plan. I was allowing seafood as I had not research the alternatives and also not being so familiar with the shops here in the UK I wanted to make sure I was still getting a balanced meal. But I have not started the research and even though I have not eaten meat since I have been back I have not taken the next step. Anyway I know this is a message - noted universe and I am on it ....
Last night a lovely lady subtly explained that eating fish is not good. All she did was right at the end of the dream she asked is anyone vegetarian whilst holding a board with anti-fishing quotes. She didn't say anything about it and I only saw the board for about 3 seconds but it's the only thing I remember clearly. The thing is it was the next step in my becoming vegetarian plan. I was allowing seafood as I had not research the alternatives and also not being so familiar with the shops here in the UK I wanted to make sure I was still getting a balanced meal. But I have not started the research and even though I have not eaten meat since I have been back I have not taken the next step. Anyway I know this is a message - noted universe and I am on it ....
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