Preparing for Home

.... the count down has begun with only 14 days until my return to the Sunny UK. It's been an interesting couple of weeks what with finishing up at work, moving out of my palace in the sky which has been my home for nearly 6 years, down sizing my possession to less than 20% and now moving my life about in my car between a friends storage and the next couch/spare room.

How do I feel about this massive upheaval ??? Being someone quite resistant to change I think I am in a bit of a daze. I have been so busy sorting things out I don't think I have really had time to think about how I feel about it. But then saying that I have done it before and that didn't really hit me till the day before I left. All I know is it felt right then and it feels right now. My life had come to a point when my expectations, hopes and dreams were not being fulfilled back then when I left the UK on a jet plane back in June 2003. I was heading to Australia and I was not coming back. Of course having never been there before I didn't know for certain that this was going to be the start of the rest of my life, open my eyes to a whole new world, a whole new lifestyle, expose me to amazing inspiring people but I felt it in my heart.

This time it is a little different - I will be coming back. Back to Australia that is. There was a time when I wasn't sure - lets say Sydney and I were going through a troubled time in our relationship but we have come back out the other side with love and respect for each other and I can only speak for myself when I say has only made me stronger. Of course I could never have done it with out the love and support of my friends both here in Australia and back home in the UK. Oh did you see what I just wrote 'home in the UK'. I do still think of the UK as home but I don't think I want to live there and this causes a serious conflict within myself. I know that my family would love to have me back and I wonder am I selfish for not wanted to be there with them ??? Is it wrong to want to live my life out in the big wide world and return home only for rest and play? I know that when I return I will need to explain numerous times to those who I love why I am not quite ready to stay and I also know that very few will fully understand but I have just started a journey, a journey it has taken me nearly 6 years to take and it's one way ticket and I can't go back. At the risk of sounding all new age - I finding out who I really am or more who I am not.

The past couple of months - well 6 I suppose it's been really enlightening and fascinating exploring my relationships with those I love. Many have offered their opinions on how I should feel and where I went wrong and what I should be doing and what I shouldn't be doing. Others have listened as I verbally process offering only their love and support. Some have made me face some home truths..... and I am grateful to everyone of them as it has helped me grow and more importantly find myself again after having lost myself so over the last 2 years.

It's essential that I go home right now. I have created this window in my life to devote totally to 'home' and realise that it is only now that I am potentially strong enough to do so. What I ask myself is how will I cope with the expectations of others? how will I cope with seeing others disappointment in me? will I remain true to myself or will I slip back to my old ways playing along planning my next escape? What I do know is that this is going to be a beautiful and exciting experience whatever the outcome which will only enrich my life even further. I will get to spend time with my beautiful family, amazing friends and fingers crossed discover more about myself - who I am, where I am and what I can be.