She works hard for the money

.... so hard for it honey....

boy have I been working hard the past couple of months. Having never worked this hard or this many hours I suddenly realised that I have had it pretty good for most of my working life. the reason I am putting in the hours is more to do with a promise I made to do my best and give my all but imagine if I had to throw in fear losing my job .... it's enough to push someone over the edge. With now only a week left at my current employment and an extra day before I leave for Japan there is a mix of both excitement and fear and I am sure I would be riding the emotional wave if not for being at work for 12 out of the 15 hours I am awake each day but it's crazy... is this how it would be living and working in the UK??? I doubt it very much no normal person could do what I am doing at the moment and still lead a normal life. It's made me think - actually no scrap that - i don't even have to think about it anymore..... I can give my every waking hour to a job but it's got to be something worth giving your life too, something to inspire. Don't get me wrong I am not hating this current job - I'm actually enjoying some aspects of it..... if only I didn't have to rely on others to meet my targets and deadlines .... humph but I am learning and even though the temper flares every now and then I am master of the anger within. I'm discovering skills I forgot I had, I'm a great planner and organiser and at times a good motivator and mentor. I'm creative and tackle issues with enthusiasm ..... shit man I'm on fire

Berry fresh

Today I went nut and berry picking. The squirrels in Surrey must have been very busy as there was not a nut in sight but blackberries were a plenty, thorn splints and itchy scratches and berry belly to provide it. As I sit on the toilet reading the latest addition of Gardening World feeding my dreams of my very own riverside cottage I wonder will I ever meet my Hugh.... well someone has to reach the higher branches.

It'll all end in tears..

as my time in the UK comes to an end I come to reflect on my experiences this time around. Each trip 'home' has been different and this time no exception. Arriving in rather a fragile state although pre warned I am not sure my family and friends were really sure of what to make of the emotional, hurt and unsettled person that came back. But I have been blessed with wonderful friends and family who have welcomed me, supported and loved me. Looking back now I feel so much stronger and have reclaimed back a part of me I had forgotten for a while. But I can't help but chuckle of the ever repeating cycles of my life, the cat and mouse chase for male attention, getting stuck in a job where I resent being over worked and under paid, acting the lost and helpless girl, giving away my self to a beautiful yet selfish boy.....

I spent some amazing time and developed a good relationship with my cutesy niece, become better friends with my sister, got to enjoy my mum and dad and playing daughter, and catch up with my bestest besties.

As I prepare to pack my most sparkly outfits and wigs for Japan and the spectacular Hoop Empire DVD launch with dreams of hoops and mowhawks and glitter I can't help but get a tear in my eye, so sad to be leaving, but also so excited for the next adventure ahead, so frustrated with my deep in-ground fears and securities and so liberated by how far I have come. I came in tears and I will no doubt leave in them as well.....

Dreaming into the future

The dreams are back. They come and go but I think they are back. Vivid like dream which are so real and close to my real life that I am never sure if I dreamt them or they actually happened. Some of the time I only realise they were a dream when something happens or someone tells me something for the first time - but yet I know....

Last night a lovely lady subtly explained that eating fish is not good. All she did was right at the end of the dream she asked is anyone vegetarian whilst holding a board with anti-fishing quotes. She didn't say anything about it and I only saw the board for about 3 seconds but it's the only thing I remember clearly. The thing is it was the next step in my becoming vegetarian plan. I was allowing seafood as I had not research the alternatives and also not being so familiar with the shops here in the UK I wanted to make sure I was still getting a balanced meal. But I have not started the research and even though I have not eaten meat since I have been back I have not taken the next step. Anyway I know this is a message - noted universe and I am on it ....

i NEVER want a boyfriend

I don't get them...... boys that is.

I don't think I have met many who are not driven by their penis or completely emotionally inept. Yes there are exceptions - not many - but I think I am starting to lose respect, faith and understanding for men.

The reason I bring this up is because well I don't want this to happen and I know this is my issue which is attracting the bad/confused/negative and building my walls. I'm creating bad boy vibes in my life - very bad ones which are unbalancing others relationships.

You did what ??? Why would you do that??

How many times have you said 'But why would they do that?', "What were they thinking?', 'Why would anyone say that?' and how many times have you applied the same questions to your own actions. Much of the time it's dismissed 'They were drunk', "I was tired".... but no negative action comes without some kind of history which lead to the 'INCIDENT'.

The reason I brought this up is because this Friday we had our works dinner. For some unexplained reason I felt the need make a beeline to the CEO and tell him 1) I am a great manipulator, 2) Sex does sell 3) Buying smart clothes for women is really hard if you have small shoulders and big boobs..... and although I said nothing too vulgar nor swear - I'm sure I said some other awful things whilst his wife practically stood there with her mouth open in shock and some tubby guy almost stood on top of me.

So I ask myself that question - why would I do that??? I have never met him before, he has no idea that I mad but completely harmless yet I make sure that his first impression of me is of such a self centred, opinionated twat he would ask the question 'Why would I want this liability in my company?'. As my hangover well and truly sets in as I drive down the M25 rain pounding on my windscreen I scream 'It's too hard to think about right now' and I tell myself to concentrate on the road, but as I curl up in the back of my car in a random car park on the way to my cousins for a cheeky nana nap under my hoops with a picnic blanket as a pillow - I realise it was sabotage ....... so desperate am I to break free from Data Management I am now going straight to the top. It would seem how ever mad I am, how ever rude I am, however much I tell the world and thier mates I hate everything about my chosen career I end up in the same place, there is always a DM job to fall in. I come back to the UK and I have a job waiting for me take, I make ridiculous demands and a month in they are offering a permanent position. I have just left Australia screaming 'NEVER AGAIN' but here I am. So enough is enough I need to take action. Don't get me wrong - I am very lucky, this I know. But DM is not the job for me and I have been trying to take a different path for quite sometime but all I do is walk along the verge and occasionally stop in at a few of the attractions along the way. Have I been foolish ? Have I shot myself in the foot? or ... Have I taken another step to setting myself free .....I guess time will tell ....

Love

You look up and there they are. It's like an electric charge runs through your body. You don't know them but you can;t stop thinking about them. You wonder who they are. What do they do. What are they like. Where have they been. Where do they want to go. Why they have had this instant hold on you. You're captivated. They inspire you. They challenge you. You only see the good in everything. They touch you and you feel alive. Their touch sends shivers of joy up your spine. Your mouth aches from excessive smiling. You laugh. You cry with laughter and joy. Nothing else matters as you melt in their arms.

I've felt it. You can't fake it. I deserve it. I lost it. I'll wait for it again.

So please don't pressure me, or pity me. Please don't compare me or judge me. I know what it feels like when my soul is touched. So please respect me and try to understand me. Support me and encourage me. Allow me to be me. Help me to love me.