PYO Happiness

It seems pretty obvious but sometimes we forget we are responsible for our own happiness and that we deserve to be happy and live our lives as we wish even if it means letting others down or going against their beliefs or expectations of life.

It's been a long time coming but finally I am starting to take responsibility for my happiness. Yes I gave up my well paying job which provided financial security, money to pay for my rent in my penthouse apartment with harbour views and had been my home since moving to Sydney more than 5 years ago, money to travel to any destination whether it be the local pub or the other side of the world. I gave up most of my material items thinking I would feel a sense of freedom but nah I still felt weighed down until the day I went PYO. That day not only did I pick my own apples I started picking my own happiness.

We haven't long left Wellington on our drive to Wanganui - Kristie wants to look for boots. We have picked up Rob. I'm in the back which means I don't have to talk - Yay I can just stare out the window and admire the beautiful scenery and we fly on by. I smile as I am reminded how at home I feel in New Zealand and how beautiful it truly is. The sun shines through the window and I thank the universe for the good weather that is apparently such a rarity in this part of the country.

We pull up at the PYO place and check out the board. Looks like we have missed the eggplants and capsicums but tomatoes are still available and apples are plentiful. We grab our buckets and off we set. Good job we have Rob - us shorties are never going to reach those apples or are we.... Those shiney red apples are calling me. At first I slip but second attempt and I have my bucket wedged between two branches and I am half way up the tree. My jeans are multi coloured as I brush past the lichens. It smells sweet and I want to stay but my bucket is full and we have no need for more than the 3 buckets we have collectively collected.

That's a lot of apples..... so what are we going to do with them all. For two days we peel, de core, cook and eat apples. Apple pie, apple mush, apple crumple, apple chutney, dehydrated apples in between weeding and feeding the garden. We plan our meals around what will go well with the delish wonderment that is apple chutney. We jar it up and give to friends - oh no we are out we'll have to make some more........


I'm sitting in Cafe Sydney. I am blessed. I have my beautiful friends around me, the view is amazing. I sip of my champagne and know that although I head back to the UK tomorrow that I will treasure this moment forever. I'm brought back to reality Brian and Bunny are arguing about which desert we should get. Of course the taster plate is the way to go. mmmmmm

Sheeeezzz Back ......

OK OK so I admit my energy has been a little low recently. The realisation that I don't really know who I am, what I want and where I wanna go/be in conjunction with giving what little power I did have to a relationship that turned out no to be 'The One' left me low and yes I admit I did wallow down there for a while although all my friends were constantly throwing down rope ladders. I'd kinda swing about of them but just couldn't be arsed to climb all the way up.

This week after hiding away in a dark corner down in Starland Bunny pointed out it was probably time that I sort of bucked up my ideas. She was right - as always ;) I had been wallowing but as I tried to defend myself by saying I was a 3 score on a feedback form neither positive or negetive just average I couldn't help thinking actually the girl has a valid point. After managing to successfully work my way up from the lower energy levels of the emotional scale of Grief, Fear and Disappointment through Blame, Judgement, Anger, Jealousy and Disappointment I was now quite happy hanging out in the comfort of my new pals Boredom, Pessimism, Frustration, Irritation and Impatience with occasional drop ins from Acceptance, Hopefulness and Forgiveness. Was I ready to leave my now comfy friends and hit the town with Joy, Passion, Ethusiasm and Playfulness????


I landed back in Sydney took part in one of my favourite pastimes - play the tourist. How easily we forget to appreciate this beautiful city as we rush from one place to another catching up with others who are doing exactly the same. I brought a day tripper ticket and made a promise to myself that I would use enough public transport to make it worth the money. Bus trips, Ferry rides, the Opera House, dodgy canteen style Italian Food, Beautiful coastal views, Stunning Botanical gardens, Stinky Seaweed Beaches, Train rides and of course an ice cream. Jon and I were exhausted as we waited the 45 mins for the final bus to Cammeray resisting the urge to catch a cab as this final trip to make my ticket worth the money. I laughed, danced and sang myself around the city like the happy looney I truely am.

Today much the same only today it was Chatswood and much dancing mainly in Jons car ....... guess what I am trying to say is yep I guess I am ready and look forward to many more play dates with Joy and Playfulness and hopefully their close friends Enpowerment, Freedom and Gratitude.

Preparing for Home

.... the count down has begun with only 14 days until my return to the Sunny UK. It's been an interesting couple of weeks what with finishing up at work, moving out of my palace in the sky which has been my home for nearly 6 years, down sizing my possession to less than 20% and now moving my life about in my car between a friends storage and the next couch/spare room.

How do I feel about this massive upheaval ??? Being someone quite resistant to change I think I am in a bit of a daze. I have been so busy sorting things out I don't think I have really had time to think about how I feel about it. But then saying that I have done it before and that didn't really hit me till the day before I left. All I know is it felt right then and it feels right now. My life had come to a point when my expectations, hopes and dreams were not being fulfilled back then when I left the UK on a jet plane back in June 2003. I was heading to Australia and I was not coming back. Of course having never been there before I didn't know for certain that this was going to be the start of the rest of my life, open my eyes to a whole new world, a whole new lifestyle, expose me to amazing inspiring people but I felt it in my heart.

This time it is a little different - I will be coming back. Back to Australia that is. There was a time when I wasn't sure - lets say Sydney and I were going through a troubled time in our relationship but we have come back out the other side with love and respect for each other and I can only speak for myself when I say has only made me stronger. Of course I could never have done it with out the love and support of my friends both here in Australia and back home in the UK. Oh did you see what I just wrote 'home in the UK'. I do still think of the UK as home but I don't think I want to live there and this causes a serious conflict within myself. I know that my family would love to have me back and I wonder am I selfish for not wanted to be there with them ??? Is it wrong to want to live my life out in the big wide world and return home only for rest and play? I know that when I return I will need to explain numerous times to those who I love why I am not quite ready to stay and I also know that very few will fully understand but I have just started a journey, a journey it has taken me nearly 6 years to take and it's one way ticket and I can't go back. At the risk of sounding all new age - I finding out who I really am or more who I am not.

The past couple of months - well 6 I suppose it's been really enlightening and fascinating exploring my relationships with those I love. Many have offered their opinions on how I should feel and where I went wrong and what I should be doing and what I shouldn't be doing. Others have listened as I verbally process offering only their love and support. Some have made me face some home truths..... and I am grateful to everyone of them as it has helped me grow and more importantly find myself again after having lost myself so over the last 2 years.

It's essential that I go home right now. I have created this window in my life to devote totally to 'home' and realise that it is only now that I am potentially strong enough to do so. What I ask myself is how will I cope with the expectations of others? how will I cope with seeing others disappointment in me? will I remain true to myself or will I slip back to my old ways playing along planning my next escape? What I do know is that this is going to be a beautiful and exciting experience whatever the outcome which will only enrich my life even further. I will get to spend time with my beautiful family, amazing friends and fingers crossed discover more about myself - who I am, where I am and what I can be.