She works hard for the money

.... so hard for it honey....

boy have I been working hard the past couple of months. Having never worked this hard or this many hours I suddenly realised that I have had it pretty good for most of my working life. the reason I am putting in the hours is more to do with a promise I made to do my best and give my all but imagine if I had to throw in fear losing my job .... it's enough to push someone over the edge. With now only a week left at my current employment and an extra day before I leave for Japan there is a mix of both excitement and fear and I am sure I would be riding the emotional wave if not for being at work for 12 out of the 15 hours I am awake each day but it's crazy... is this how it would be living and working in the UK??? I doubt it very much no normal person could do what I am doing at the moment and still lead a normal life. It's made me think - actually no scrap that - i don't even have to think about it anymore..... I can give my every waking hour to a job but it's got to be something worth giving your life too, something to inspire. Don't get me wrong I am not hating this current job - I'm actually enjoying some aspects of it..... if only I didn't have to rely on others to meet my targets and deadlines .... humph but I am learning and even though the temper flares every now and then I am master of the anger within. I'm discovering skills I forgot I had, I'm a great planner and organiser and at times a good motivator and mentor. I'm creative and tackle issues with enthusiasm ..... shit man I'm on fire

Berry fresh

Today I went nut and berry picking. The squirrels in Surrey must have been very busy as there was not a nut in sight but blackberries were a plenty, thorn splints and itchy scratches and berry belly to provide it. As I sit on the toilet reading the latest addition of Gardening World feeding my dreams of my very own riverside cottage I wonder will I ever meet my Hugh.... well someone has to reach the higher branches.

It'll all end in tears..

as my time in the UK comes to an end I come to reflect on my experiences this time around. Each trip 'home' has been different and this time no exception. Arriving in rather a fragile state although pre warned I am not sure my family and friends were really sure of what to make of the emotional, hurt and unsettled person that came back. But I have been blessed with wonderful friends and family who have welcomed me, supported and loved me. Looking back now I feel so much stronger and have reclaimed back a part of me I had forgotten for a while. But I can't help but chuckle of the ever repeating cycles of my life, the cat and mouse chase for male attention, getting stuck in a job where I resent being over worked and under paid, acting the lost and helpless girl, giving away my self to a beautiful yet selfish boy.....

I spent some amazing time and developed a good relationship with my cutesy niece, become better friends with my sister, got to enjoy my mum and dad and playing daughter, and catch up with my bestest besties.

As I prepare to pack my most sparkly outfits and wigs for Japan and the spectacular Hoop Empire DVD launch with dreams of hoops and mowhawks and glitter I can't help but get a tear in my eye, so sad to be leaving, but also so excited for the next adventure ahead, so frustrated with my deep in-ground fears and securities and so liberated by how far I have come. I came in tears and I will no doubt leave in them as well.....